The Flame of Friendship
Girl drama. It's out of control in grade 4. Herds of girls are my door daily, sobbing: she's stealing my friend or I was her friend first. The jealousy, hurt feelings, and need to control others are sapping my mental energy if not my actual will to live.
Anyway, I've been going nuts trying to figure out a way to make it stop. I've had meetings with girls individually and in groups, have had the principal read them the riot act, have spoken with a few parents, and have played both the Good Cop and the Bad Cop---all to no avail.
FInally, over the weekend, I snapped awake at 4:30 a.m. with the idea of using a flame as an analogy for friendship.
Today at snack time I called down six of the most frequent of the frequent fliers. We went outside (so I wouldn't set off any smoke alarms), and I pulled out a box of 24 tea light candles. I shook half a dozen out of the box, and lit the first one, telling the girls it represented the friendship with their closest friend.
Then I said, "Imagine that now one of you decides to make a new friend." I used the flame from the first candle to light the second one. Then I asked, "Did the flame on the first friendship get any smaller when I lit the second flame?" (A: no).
I repeated that action again, and asked the same question---did the flame get any smaller when a new flame was lit? Again, no. I asked how many candles they thought I could light without the flame changing (A: a lot!).
We talked about how the human heart isn't like a drinking glass that can only hold a limited amount. It's more like the flame that can grow as much as it needs to without being diminished. One of the girls asked, "But what if someone is stealing your friend?" So we had to talk about how no one can "steal" someone else unless that person wants to be "stolen."
Finally, the climax of my demo was to show what happens if you try to protect your friendship and not let anything or anybody else come close. I put a small glass upside down over the first tea light, and in just a couple of seconds the flame went out. I defined the word "smother" for them. Smothering your friends doesn't protect your friendship, it damages or even destroys it.
After my demonstration was over, we brainstormed a list of positive behaviors that "fan the flame of friendship" and negative behaviors that "smother the flame of friendship." Here's the T-chart I gave each of them.
I know this was kind of an advanced concept for 4th graders. Heck, I know some adults who still struggle with it! What I'm really jazzed about though is the potential this flame analogy has for expansion (like, letting your light shine?). I'm going to keep thinking about this and maybe try and come up with a set of Flame of Friendship activities for next year. Stay tuned!
5/26/2014 04:12:32 am
Thanks, Kate! The girl drama has been the bane of my existence this year (well every year, if I think about it). If you find anything else that helps PLEASE share!
11/30/2014 09:56:40 pm
Thanks for this great idea! I'm looking forward to using it in a whole class lesson!
4/3/2017 10:51:05 am
THIS IS AMAZING!!!! I cannot wait to try this with my group of 4th grade girls who constantly have this issue. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!! :)
12/17/2018 07:33:04 am
Awesome concept! Though I'll have to use the battery operated candles - no way my principal would allow real ones!
12/19/2018 04:03:41 am
That's a great idea! I did it outside at the picnic table.
12/23/2019 07:59:38 pm
How timely!!! I as a guidance counselor have just about had it with this perennial problem and I can hardly wait to use this great idea!!!!!
12/30/2019 06:31:00 am
Thanks, Rachel, and best of luck!
4/30/2022 06:44:06 am
Thanks so much for this anaolgy. I love it! I especially love the smothering idea. I have used magnets for that reasons, saying if you try to hard you will push the othe one away, but I like your idea better!
4/30/2022 08:51:07 am
Thanks, Rhonda. I like the magnet idea too (especially since it doesn't involve matches)!
5/21/2023 10:38:58 pm
Great postt thanks
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